So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
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I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
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Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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