Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
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if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
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Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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