I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
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I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
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I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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