Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
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Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
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They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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