sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
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This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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