some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
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Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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