i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
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There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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