Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
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Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
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I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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