cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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