I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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