Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
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i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
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I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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