it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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