Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
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Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
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Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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