omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
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his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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