dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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