Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
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Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
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Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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