Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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