So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
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Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
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I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
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