well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
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He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
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We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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