he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
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I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
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No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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