he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
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apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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