My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We are all done wearing pants today
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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