Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
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Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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