I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
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Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
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He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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