a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
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Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
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Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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