What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
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he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
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you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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