Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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