She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
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Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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