i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
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You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
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If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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