Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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