finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
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i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
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Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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