Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
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he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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