After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
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This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
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I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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