I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
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It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
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Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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