Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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