he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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