the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
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Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
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"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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