I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
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On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
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You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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