i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
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WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
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I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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