I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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