mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize