Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
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If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
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I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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