I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
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just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
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I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize