There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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