I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
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There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
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I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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