Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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