There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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