K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
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All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
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I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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