My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
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he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
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A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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