i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
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I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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